Tuesday, July 22, 2008

4dp5dt - another BFN

Another BFN. Yes, it's still early. But I feel nothing is going on. I had a sense that, on Saturday night, something left me. I guess I am in tune enough with my body to know what is really going on. I don't need to be doing these tests. I certainly have absolutely no hope for this little boy left at all. Now I just need to convince my husband that it is all over for my body and my eggs. For God's sake - I am nearly 42! Of course it was always one hell of a long shot that I could get pregnant, let alone carry to term.

People seem to be forgetting that this hormonal stuff makes me really super sick. It makes me sleep. I makes me miserable. It makes me depressed. It makes me want to cease living. I had a really bad cycle this month. Yes, I had the flu on top of things, but I don't think that really had any impact on me not wanting to go through another IVF cycle. The time has come where I say "no more".

People also forget about my history of severe depression, which has seen me hospitalised more than once (actually, more than 20 times). The meds I take, which I CANNOT reduce, or stop taking, are only "anecdotally" cleared for pregnancy. They could well cause deformities in a fetus. My head doctor will still want me to go off all meds at eight months so the baby isn't sluggish at birth. That is the worst time to go off them, as one approaches birth. Ante-natal and post-natal depression is almost a certainly for me if I were to stop taking meds at eight months. If I ever got that far. And the meds are not cleared for breastfeeding.

So I guess the situation is this. I have so much against me. Age, uterine problems, implantation problems, depression, proven abnormal embies, miscarriages.

Let's all be sensible here and know when the time to quit trying with my eggs and my body has come. At the end of the day, it is my body and my decision. And I have chosen no more.

1 comment:

Jaymee said...

going through infertility, combined with a history of depression is horrible. i am so sorry that you are having to live through this. listen to your body, you know yourself better than anyone. i hope you find what you need to get through this.