Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Wowee - people actually read my blog!

I haven't been here in awhile - well, awhile for me. Like, a week. That doesn't mean I have quit on the fertility/surrogacy/eggdonor/bash-my-head-against-the wall journey. So, I show up and there are posts from Jaymee and Kimberli. How darn sweet. Women from across the world who know how blastedly crappy this "journey" of infertility is, reaching out to lil' ole me, isolated and and basically alone in this crap of a country that won't allow paid egg donors or surrogates. Thanks gals! To receive your comments of support and hope is the highlight of my dark and horrible days post failed IVF cycle no. 2. Kimberli - yes please. Add me to anything that will promote our oftentimes dark world and shine a light on the problems we all face, and also on the hope, solutions and successes. I am a person that never gives up. I will have my babies. I will also be a trailblazer for women who have every fertility door shut in their faces and feel there is no hope. I will be one of those successes.

So, what has been going on here in the far reaches of Australia since my last post? Not a whole lot. Of course, there has been crying, and that is painful, but a relief. Mainly my days have been very difficult to get through. I have had a bad dose of depression since getting the flu-from-the-bowels-of-hell in conjunction with cycling and retrieval. The flu has almost cleared up, but my motivation is nil, my interest in activities that normally give me pleasure non-existent. I have literally been dragging myself from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom and back again. It takes me several hours to wash up. The one day I managed to wash our clothes, I hung them out on the clothesline, only for it to rain, and there I left the clothes for three days. Who gives a damn? Not me. 

I know these miserable times will pass and I will return to my normally interesting, chipper and creative self. But for now, I grieve, and think and think some more. And if I manage to make it to the shower and shave half a leg, that is a good day for me. Actually, I desperately need to shower right now, but have put it off all day. I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts, even with warm water pounding soothingly across my body, my brain continues to think, think and think.

Bob returned to work yesterday. Thank God for him. He is the one that keeps us going. I would be utterly incapable of holding down the most menial job right now. I have deferred from post-grad studies at uni. Here I was last semester getting distinctions and high distinctions, loving the world of study and feeling super-good about myself. Then comes IVF. There is no way in the world I can study right now. But poor Bob has to go to work, even though he has been ill with flu, and grieving alongside me so that we have the money to achieve our dreams. At the end of the day he comes home to a withered and sad wife, a lump of human non-existence, not even a shadow of the woman he fell in love with. And he is grateful I am here, to come home to at the end of the day, his wife who cries and cries so long and so deep she upsets our beautiful labrador Amber, who is so concerned for her human mummy she whimpers and tries to get onto my lap to comfort me. His wife who once was beautiful and vibrant, but can now barely get through an hour of the day, let alone a whole day, his wife who needs a shower and a change of clothes. 

On to brighter things. If I have a plan of attack, a goal, a purpose, I can get through this depression. Today I nominate myself as the number one online stalker of the world of surrogacy. Today I spent more than ten hours googling, looking to find others like me, who are entering into this fuzzy, foggy world of international surrogacy.  I think I found just about every surrogacy program on planet earth. Ukraine, Thailand, Russia, Mexico, Guatemala! And I thought India was a way-out shot at achieving motherhood. I have emailed every non-US agency and hospital with a surrogacy program that I could find. we'll see what comes back. When I mentioned Ukraine's program Bo said to me: "The baby will be drunk and smell of vodka". (Hey, that's a little in joke, I was conceived in that part of the world).

I tell you what. The Americans have this surrogacy thing down pat. There are zillions of agencies and EDs and surrogates. There is someone for everyone ... provided one does not quit, one will find what they are looking for. BUT - and yes, there always is a but. The cost. Unbelievable. Who the heck can afford American surrogacy programs? I see it time and again, we "desperate, childless women exploiting other women" in an effort to satisfy our selfish desire to be mothers. Hah. Those dumbos have no idea about the reasons a fellow sister would carry a child or children for us. And if any of you come in here I will blast the crap out of you because if you investigated surrogacy and ED like I have, you would educate yourself and come to realise the primary motivation for women offering their bodies to women who can't use their own bodies to create life, is altruistic. I is the doctors, lawyers and agencies who reap the financial rewards, not the women giving us the gift of life.

As for the payment? That is a another post. I would NOT ever consider NOT paying a surrogate for her time, her love, the intrusion of carrying my children in her womb. Not paying is exploitation (if one has the means to pay).  However, one must consider the situation of women in impoverished developed countries like India. Of course they are doing this for the money. I see no problem with this, but I still have questions in my mind about how free Indian surrogates are to fully choose without influence, to become surrogates. I guess I don't know enough right now, but I will find out.

That's it form me. I really do have to go take that shower.


Jaymee said...

I have always found the best thing to do when I can't fathom moving, is to do something, anything. I know how lonely this process can be. You are not alone. We may live half a world away from each other, but I am only an e-mail away. I hope that you find your answers. Please do not hesitate to ask for help, no one can do this alone.

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

yep, that's me one of those crazy Americans who wonders also WHO CAN AFFORD SURROGACY HERE?????

Thinking of you, luv ya,

Kymberli said...

Even as an American surrogate, I balk at the cost of infertility treatments here, from your basic IUI right up through ED/IVF w/GS.

Like Jaymee said - you're not alone. The great thing about the internet is that it closes gaps and builds bridges!