Saturday, September 13, 2008

A week of contemplation and stress ... it's now all good

Major disaster averted.

My US surro wrote to me and she is fine. She was understanding, she was lovely, she was supportive of me becoming a mum, no matter how. She told me she understands financial constraints and that money is always a problem, but agreed, one cannot do if one cannot pay for it. She offered to support me with going to India. She will continue to be my friend. I am so relieved.

The only thing I cared about, other than our children, was that I was not letting down a woman who has been so fantastic, and been with us through a very long journey of questioning and tears and failures, then triumphs and now ... well now, we are both facing differing paths. I really hope she matches with a couple and has a wonderful third (and I believe final) surrogacy journey. 

As a small payment, and mark of respect, I asked the lawyer who was to represent her to send our fee payment for him to our beloved surro. I know she won't expect this, nor want it, but it is something I want to do. This beautiful woman really has acted as a surrogacy agent, making phone calls, researching, sending emails and doing the leg-work in American for us. She has phoned me at her own cost, when I have been down, she has been available for a whole year now. Money means nothing, at the end of the day, when undertakes such an important and momentous journey.  This is the least I can do. I also have a lovely gift that I bought for her and was going to give to her when we signed the contracts. That gift is hers and I will send it to her with all my love. I do so hate parting of the ways. But I would hate more to live in continual stress over finances and have a journey to the USA wrought with stress and worry and penny pinching.

I will be, forever grateful, and a friend to our US surro and her family. What we do from here-on-in is up to debate. We will be coming to India, but when, I don't know. I guess I have to wait just a little bit longer. But at the end of the day, I will know that I have left no stone unturned and will have a financially and morally clear conscience.

Thank you so much to those - my online Indian surro family - who have supported me. I really appreciate you all. Your caring is just amazing. Jaymee - I know I can email you at any time of the day or night and if you are online, you will be there for me. You are precious. You are a surro IM and you know what I am going through.

Brian and Lisa - we're buds across the miles. I love you both, and Kelsey and Riley. I've actually unplugged my home phone because of the distress calls I am getting from my extended family here abut my cousin's health. My cousin is improving but rellies are using me as a dumping ground for their problems. I have backed away and am now focussing on my immediate family - Bob, me and any child or children born of surrogacy. How incredible that you can see through your grief and reach out to me.

Rhonda - you were the first one to email me worried out of your brain about what was going on when I made my distress post. You are such a darling. You and Gerry have been doing your India thing and I guess you are on the flight home to the USA. You missed all the fun! When I move, I move fast. It's all okay now. I know you are always here for us.

Rarejule - your words hit me in the face. Do not EVER give up. You have no idea how much strength you gave me when I read your post. No, I will not give up. I will, on occasion. I will post about it. I will go hide under my doona and hope the sun never shines again. But ultimately, I am a really strong chick and I never quit. I think you may know me and our GS. We are both at AAS.

I guess sometimes one can be too-family oriented. One can be too available, one can be too reliable and too responsible, to their own detriment. Hey, that's the story of my life. No more. It's time for me and my children.


butlerlife said...

Amani, I am so sorry to hear about your change of plans, but glad to hear that you are still pursuing your surrogacy journey. From what I have seen in the past few months, you are an incredibly giving person who takes care of everyone, sometimes to the detriment of yourself. You are doing the right thing by backing away right now to concentrate on taking care of you.

You are in my thoughts and I am hoping the best for you. Feel free to email me any time, or send me a message through the SI forum.

Michele B. (texandchica)

switzertwins said...

Good for you Amani. I have happy to hear that your family-donated grief is not stopping you from fulfilling your dream. You can only take so much before you just have to scream "enough". Lisa and I are always here, you have my email.
We love ya'll!

Brian and Lisa

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

Love you girl and know that you would never give up! You are a true inspiration and SO happy you are continuing your journey and joining the ranks on us India Surrogacy goers. Will be following along.


Amani said...

Back on track after my hissy fit! Thanks all.