Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Run over like a squished toad on the road. That's how I feel today. The anxiety of the past week has subsided now we have a definite answer, now the "blahs" have set in. Bob is off work today and we're messing about the house, watch daytime TV, playing on the internet, pfaffing about ... doing nothing really, certainly nothing productive. I am having trouble walking the 20 steps it takes to hang the washing out.

I guess we have to make some decisions and quickly. today I don't want to fly to Mumbai on Monday. The excitement has all but disappeared. There won't be a cycle, just contract signing and checking things over, as well as a couple of deposits left in the freezer, for later use. There won't be fertilisation, growing embies, daily updates on how many embies and they're doing. There won't be a transfer, or a two week wait. Most sad of all, there won't be news of a pregnancy this year.

I'm also sad about not travelling with my online friends cycling in December. We're not sure if we'll go in December, or delay until we have an ED in place. I guess the earliest now we can cycle is sometime January or February. We know we can choose an Indian ED, which is the cheapest, quickest and most logical solution. But I don't want our decision to be made based on haste or finances alone. I am also not quite ready to quit the idea of using a caucasian ED, though the chances of finding someone on the ground in India is slim.

We have asked the docs for Indian ED profiles. We have also asked if we could advertise in India for a caucasian ED - an ex-pat, student, backpacker (gee, that sounds desperate) - and have SI coordinate physical and psych screening and the legalities as they would with an Indian ED. The other option is to start again and email the multitude of ED agencies in Europe and ask if they would be willing to fly a donor to India. You may be wondering why start from scratch when we could just until March to cycle with the South African agency. The reason is that I do not trust there will be a March cycle. Something will come up and the trip will be cancelled.

So, there we are. Nowhere really. Still to make the decision about whether to fly on Monday or wait.


Jaymee said...

i am so sorry to hear this. you do not deserve this. i am sooooo sorry that this is happening. HUGS

trea said...

AM - so sorry to hear this news. I know it is hard to get up and keep fighting when you get knocked down time after time but your reslience so far has been inspirational - you can do it!

Amani said...

Oooh yeah. We're going! But one does need time to collect one's thoughts and emotions before tripping off. As a horse-rider in my teens, I have been thrown from the saddle many a time.