Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My ridiculous thoughts

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

In the infamous words of The Clash, I have a big decision on my hands. Bob wants to go, I am not sure. At this stage Bob is 80/20 go, and I am 50/50. I have been praying and asking God for direction for a good week now. God tells me "I have given you free will". Yup. Thanks. Not at all helpful, but so typical of God. he can't sort out all our human battles for us.

I asked both my mother and mother-in-law what they think we should do. Their advice? "Gee - that's a tough one. It's so personal and such an important decision to make, we really can't help". Thanks mummies! How dare you not make a decision on behalf of your 42-year-old children. What kind of mothers are you?! (actually, incredibly good ones and we love the immensely. In times of indecision and trouble, your mummy is always your mummy).

I have even half-seriously contemplated the advice from our local newspaper's astrology expert - a gleefully chubby Buddah-esque figure juggling astrological signs, who, with great coincidence, calls himself Sudhir. (One of our doc's names). His advice? Scorpio: You are less intimidated by not-knowing than most people, so this little patch of being in the dark won't phase you too much, if you don't let it. See the moment you are in as an incubation period for the next round of spectacular adventure. It is! Glide gracefully.

Right now, Sudhir, the bogus money-making spiritual entity preying upon the indecisive and wounded, is making the most amount of sense to me. One thing Sudhir got right. This is a spectacular adventure. It is a crazy, awesome, scary, exciting adventure which promises hope, but no guarantees. I feel enormous gratitude this adventure is available for us to partake. I am continually amazed that I have a husband who is here with me, day by day, encouraging and supporting what I want to do. I have always been the captain of our ship called surrogacy, but Bob is my first-mate, my best mate and he is in this for the long haul. I am SO lucky! Really, how many husbands in the world would be able to cope with "technically" creating a baby with the genetics from one woman, and allow a complete stranger to carry their children? I'd say not many. So, to the husbands out there who are committed to the surrogacy journey - I just want to tell you how incredibly loving and beautiful you are, and tell you how much I admire your love, dedication and support.

Back to today and my decision. I am willing to toss a coin three times and go with what the coins decide. Heads we go, tails we stay, best out of three. Here we go.

Coin one: tails.
Coin two: heads
Coin three: heads. Da dahhhh! I am so happy. We are going. LMAO.

Honestly, the things you do when you're undecided. Two nights ago we saw the most beautiful sign in the sky, meant just for us. It was a crescent moon with Jupiter and Venus making eyes to form a smily face. Bob was out peeing on the lemon tree, as he does, (urea promotes citrus growth and I have approved of this activity). He called out to me. "Am, Am!!!. Come here, you gotta look at this!", to which I replied, thinking he just wanted to show me yet another act of cuteness by our beloved doggie Amber, "I don't want to see her tricks ... again."

"No! You gotta see this. In the sky, it's amazing!"

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it ... Super-lemon-tree-willy?

So I go take a look. And there is the most happy, friendly, lovely, beautiful smiley face made by the alignment of a crescent moon with Jupiter and Venus shining down upon us. My first reaction was: There are my babies! Two of them. I told you it would be two. Of course, this was a sign from God, meant just for Bob and I to share. No-one in the world could see this gorgeously comforting illuminated happiness but the two of us. So that we could record this momentous occasion for posterity, we fumbled around looking for our camera. Found it. Dead. Got out the mobile phone cameras. Couldn't get a clear picture. We finally found the new Sony HD digi-videocam, that neither of us know how to use, got it working and recorded some beautiful images of the moon and the smiling spirits of soon-to-be-conceived children, as spirits in the sky, cshining there for mummy and daddy, telling us they were okay and we would be united soon. Ahhh. How sweet.

Because the camera is new, we couldn't figure out how to upload the images. But I did find one image at uploaded by a photographer in Melbourne as posted above. The angle is not quite the same as we saw in Perth. Honeslty, God put a show on just for us - she was smiling right down upon us. Such a profound moment, they happen rarely in life.

The next day, the smiley sky image was all over the news. Dammit! It was not our own special moment of connection with our children. Millions across the globe saw it from many different angles. The world intruded upon our special moment of solace and connection. Bugger it. It doesn't matter. We shared an intense moment of glory, just Bob , me and our children.


Tigerlilycat said...

YAY!!!!! And sorry to say your happy smiling astro face was in the paper here too...

jojo said...

Was that the night we skyped? As in SKYped?

Was the only other available (read: conceived) image not from Melbourne?

Did I not say I had watched Perth change from day to night?

it is a sign...of course it is. we are breeding children with huge norks who like to hang upside down from the monkey bars.


JourneyofHope said...

Such a big decision. Hopefully you will find your path soon. Whatever you choose will be the right way.

Michaela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michaela said...

we saw the planets bright in the sky, but from a slightly different angle. it looked amazing.

Remember that as you go on your journey, Venus was/is the goddess of love, while Jupiter, the big guy, represents justice, laws and social order. How fitting?! I think this was an auspicious blessing for you both! x x

Safe and happy travels.

stephaniekb said...

Hi Amani,
What an awesome post. Having just returned from Mumbai, I can tell you for sure that this is a crazy adventure, and requires a lot of trust, courage, and commitment on behalf of all the parties involved in creating the baby(ies.) Safe travels!