Saturday, December 6, 2008

Up up and away ... we're going

After much deliberation, we've decided to go. I've been watching news footage of the security at the airports on Indian TV (www.ndtv.com) and it looks very tight. The military has set up sand bag bunkers for machine guns, passengers are being frisked, and bomb dogs are on sniffing duty. While I don't fancy being felt up by an Indian soldier, I am confident no teenage gun-toting jihadis will be hijacking any plane.

Today I bought the last of the gifts for our surro and doctors. I just have to wrap them. Amber goes to her 5-star luxury doggie spa tomorrow afternoon. The kitties are staying home with a friend coming twice daily to feed them. Bob has boarded up the broken back door and we're about to pull the suitcases out of storage.

Now my fear is fuelled by a different source. This is really going to happen. After eighteen months of looking into surrogacy, IVF treatments, the failed US attempt, much research, many questions and a huge amount of organisation, for the first time we are actually getting on a plane for the first leg of our Indian surrogacy adventure. And I'm scared. I'm not scared of terrorists, that was last weeks fear. I'm not scared of hijacked planes, this week's fear. I am scared of my life changing forever. The old doubts I had approximately 120 posts ago have resurfaced and I am again questioning myself about my ability to see this process through.

Will I be a good mother. Yes, i know that I will. Will I love these babies as though they came from my own body. Yes I will. but will I cope with losing the selfishness of living a child-free careless life. these little babies I have yearned for so much will be relying on me ... to care for them, teach them, comfort them, discipline them ... for the rest of my life. One day they will become teenagers and put me through similar horrors I put my mother through. They will get interested in boys (or girls), try alcohol, perhaps get mindlessly drunk and ride the porcelain bowl. They will one day drive a car and I will worry about them not returning home. If parents thought about all the horrible things that could happen to their children in the course of a life they would never procreate. I can pull out of this, but I'm not going to, because the joys and wonders of babies and children and teens and young adults awaits me. But am I up for it? I really don't know. I guess I will find out when I get there.

6 comments:

Niels and Alexander said...

Good for you! I am sure you've made the right decision to go, security will be so tight so that should be good.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Eskimo said...

I am very excited for you and will keep you in my thoughts.. have a safe trip!!!

JourneyofHope said...

Don't be scared. Believe. Wishing you safe travels.

(dis)enchanted said...

safe travels...enjoy the journey!! much love and prayers to you and everyone involved x x whooot!!

jojo said...

You'll be the best mum ever, Am. I have total faith in you. You are caring, nurturing, supportive, funny, smart, loyal and determined...all the things you need to be a great mum.

Have fun, be safe and enjoy the adventure!!!

xxx

TB said...

I bet the adrenalin is pumping!! Enjoy every moment of the exciting, scary journey. Can't wait to hear all about it. Tell the docs we can't wait to meet them in Feb...cheers TB and AB