Friday, February 13, 2009

Going insane

Yes, atill 5 days to go. Our ED has her scan tomorrow. Two other international ED IPs have their follie counts - 9 and 12 ... I am so happy for them. My turn tomorrow.

I am really bored, restless, anxious. I can't focus on anything and my sleep patterns are all over the place. There is so much riding on this trip.

Last visit to Mumbai we knew were weren't cycling or transferring, so there was no pressure. It was a nice holiday, meeting wonderful people, checking it all out and basically having a darn fine time. This time is completely different. This time we have a real chance. This is the closest we have ever been! After four miscarriages, three years of TTC doing the wild thang, two rounds of timed intercourse, two rounds of IUI, two rounds of IVF - all those needles, too many negative home pregnancy tests, and so much heartache, it is really very difficult to think things could actually work for us.

I vascillate between joyful excitement and fatalistic pessimism, several times a day. Late at night comes my old enemy, the "night errors". At these times I think it is all just a waste of time and we are doomed for failure. I think about pregnancy losses in the first trimester, I think of deformities at the 12 week scan showing our babies will not survive. I think of something horrible happening during trimesters two and three, of cords wrapped around tiny necks, of still birth, of death. Then my mind wanders to bringing home babies. First there is the plane crash, in which only I survive, left childless, husbandless and step-son-less. At home there is SIDS, or a drowning in a backyard pool we don't even have. Of childhood leukemia, of anything and everything I have ever heard bad that happens to children. When I get to my teenagers becoming drug addicts, I have to force myself to stop. If parents thought of the horrible things that could befall their children, no-one would ever have babies and the human race would end. Living is risky.

This afternoon I took a nap. As I lay in the netherland between consciousness and sleep, a beautiful image came before me. I did not imagine it, nor conjure it up, it just came. I saw our house extension, new and freshly painted, with a blonde baby girl, about one year old,  sitting on a bunny rug, smiling up at me. Oh, the love I felt. Such a rush of excitement coursed through me I almost woke up, startled. She was so chubby, and her ears stuck out just like her dad's and brother's ears. She was wearing a really daggy homemade pinafore dress with flowers all over it. I recall thinking, "I wouldn't dress a baby in that". But I didn't care, she was beautiful and giggly and .. fat. (Note to self, watch how much you feed baby).  As I started to wake, I looked for my other baby. I have been dead set on having twin girls, or at least twins. I looked around the room and I saw a little boy, but he was so much smaller than our daughter.  He was a little blondie too, and much younger. But he faded in and out so that I couldn't get a clear look at him. Then he disappeared.  After this experience I think now we will have a girl and go back for our baby boy. Who knows? I am not a very accurate psychic.

It was so amazing to have joy and love in my heart. I could see my children. I know what they look like. I could feel them, as first time lovers feel across a room, their hearts entwined. I think this is called a spiritual connection. What else could it be?

Then I woke up. And cleaned the bathroom.

2 comments:

Carrie Jo said...

I'm looking forward to hearing the follicle count, Amani!

And I love the prosaic ending to your story--dreamland to sad realities!

Try not to be too nervous--easier said than done, I know. I have faith you will have a baby or two!

jojo said...

much much much goodluck on the follie count. shyla'll do you proud, i'm sure.

a baby girl would be wonderful!