Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Options - so few - and very very pissed off with life right now.
We have the option of cycling in the country our ED came from and staying with the same agency. This will give us a caucasian ED, or we can go straight to Indian ED.
I am more than happy to go with Indian ED, at a price of $2950US (Aussies, add 30 per cent to this because of our crappy exchange rate. Going straight to Indian ED is our best option and financially the best way to go. I personally do not care what colour or heritage our child is.
My mum was crying on the phone this morning when I told her what had happened. She begged us to not give up and she begged us to not go straight to Indian ED, which is my preferred option, but not Bob's. I have to add in here that my dad is 72 years of age, he thinks what we are doing is brilliant. He feels guilty that, in some way, he has passed on dodgy genetics that have caused both me and my sister to suffer infertility problems. Of course he hasn't!!! Well maybe, yes, but our fertility issues could be from my mum's side.
But you can't get that through the head of a stoic Polish gentleman who suffered the horrors of a German work camp from 1945-1050. My dad is a really dignified and proud man. He has suffered at the hands of discrimination, was poorly educated, came to Australia at the age of 14 without his parents, made a life for himself, married our mother, who is also from an impoverished working class background, and together they provided an amazing life for their three children. My brother, sister and I are all university educated, all earning good incomes and we all remember and are grateful for the sacrifices our parents have made to give us such good lives.
My mum told me she doesn't think dad will cope with an Indian ED. It is bad enough that he knows the Polish genes will not run through our children's veins, but he has accepted that and he just wants to see his daughter happy. However, he is 72 years of age, his health is failing he thinks all Muslims are all terrorists, and to have a dark child as a grandchild, perhaps that is not something he could cope with. At least with the caucasian child we can pretend, but you can't hide dark genetics. There is no way I can make my dad feel comfortable about us having darker children. While I personally am fine with this, I do love my dad so very much and I care about his opinion. I just want him to be happy with the decisions we make on behalf of his grandchildren, who will, ultimately inherit a load of money from my parent's estate.
Not only that, he is so very excited about more grandchildren, as is my mum. So a failure for us, is a failure for an extended family - grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, friends - all who have been 100 per cent excited and supportive with the decisions we have made. When we hurt, so too does our family.
So these are our options:
1. Indian ED - cost effective, I don't care, others do. $2950USD
2. Cycling with a caucasian ED in the country where our ED agency is located.
My mum has offered to help us with the costs of option number two. Honestly, why should she? She is still working caring for elderly clients in their homes, and she is almost 71 herself!!!
The costs for doing a cycle and shipping frozen embryos to India are: USD, so add 30 per cent for us. We are not even sure this can legally be done and are waiting for a response from the agency.
$2500 Agency fee
$2500 for fees in India (our clinic's international coordination fees of $500 and $500 for legals in India, the other $1500 is unexplained)
legals in foreign country - unsure
$1350 - ED payment
$5500 IVF cycle in a foreign country
$2000 - flights and accommodation to foreign country for two
$2000 - shipping frozen embryos to India
$1500 - for the lab our clinic in India uses just to accept the embryos ... how ridiculous
$1500 - for the lab in India to thaw the embryos
Total: $18, 850 USD
Add to that 30 per cent for exchange rates and we are stuffed.
We are stuck between a rock and a hard place. No wonder we are so very devastated and depressed. There is no way we can afford another caucasian ED cycle. We've already blown $14,000 on that. At the end of the day there are no guarantees. The agency has been paid, the ED has been paid, the doctors in the foreign country have been paid, so too have the lawyers, our clinic in India has been paid ( not without a major fight over a measly $330 Australian dollars and a lot of very hurt feelings). yet at the end of the day. we chose the "dud donor" and the buck stops with us. I so hate to call our Shyla a dud donor. It is not her fault. If anything good comes out of this mess, it is that Shyla will realise she may have fertility problems, and will get started with her own family sooner rather than later. She may even need an ED herself.
The only lessons I can offer out of this whole debacle are:
1. don't do anything for anyone over and above what is legally required
2. think of worse case scenarios re: finances because you will have signed a contract and you are responsible for paying off on what you have signed off on
3. never think any service provider with this journey is not making a good buck out of it, no matter how sweet and lovely they may appear, they are in it for the money
4. Always go with the price you have been quoted, it will change and change again. Be prepared to fight about your accounts
5. Assume all service providers think you are wealthy if you can afford to do even one round of surrogacy in India. I know we are not, but by Indian standards, we are super rich.
6. Others we consider have done little research, who are not committed to process, nor improving the process, may well have success. It is not fair, but life is not fair.
7. If it all goes bust, you will be okay, kids or no kids.
Posted by Phoenix at 7:01 PM