Thursday, March 5, 2009
It's DD Day
That is, delirious delight or devastating disappointment.
I can't settle. I can't focus on anything. I feel so stressed and sleep-deprived. Apparently last night I was having conversations with my dreams. I am a sleep talker, but luckily not a sleep walker, as i'd probably be raiding the fridge. Lucky it's empty. All I can recall of last night's whirlpool of images and conversations is that I was learning to do a forward flip, and to my great surprise, I did it! Does my noctural gymnastic success mean we will get a positive?
I have piles of housework, loads of laundry to iron, building plans to sort through and ... and ... and ... I can only watch kids' TV. Just been watching Larry the lawnmower and his friends Tangle the Hose, Flash the Shovel and Rosie Rake play with a big bouncy ball on the Big Garden. Wheelie the Wheelbarrow was having a sleep. That honestly is my level of comprehension and focus right now.
We had a midnight phone call last night, but no message was left, so it was probably mum asking for yet another update though she well knows the news doesn't come until tonight. In the absence of an email from the docs this morning, we are still in a state of prolonged anxiety.
I need shooting with a tranquiliser dart, or hooking up to an IV line of valium. If I smoked pot I'd probably do that; it's way too early for a drink of anything stiffer than coffee. I've tried listening to music, I won't waste water on a bath because I would only stay in it for five seconds, and meditation brings it's own kind of torture.
To quote Lost in Space's ever-whinging Dr Smith, "Oh the pain, the pain!"
Last night the Crazy Fairy visited me and implanted a loopy chip, even stronger than the one I already have, in my brain. I have a shameful secret. I consulted Sudhir, the astrology expert who predicts futures in our local rag. Sudhir, not to be confused with Dr Sudhir of SI fame, tells me: To lift off a layer of seriousness and get back to celebration, you will have to rethink your whole approach. The tack you have taken up to now has been useful but is now past its use-by date. Get back to basics. Keep it really simple. Your body - and this world - are sacred.
Hmmm. So does that mean my pessimism was all for ought? I hope so. I'm willing to hang onto anything remotely positive right now.
Not that I hung onto Sudhir's optimism for too long. I fess up, I googled free tarot card readings. While I am not a person who is into such occultish pursuits, I figured that as I did not have a direct line to God telling me "Shut your trap, you will have success," perhaps God would speak to me through picture cards via the internet.
The results of my freebie tarot reading.
The obstacle that stands in your way: restlessness and mental disharmony. Deserting a struggle in progress. A temporary retreat from stress that turns into a permanent rout. A lack of vigilance that could lead to disaster.
I am taking that as the obstacle in my way is my pessimism and if I don't get it out of the picture, I could end up feeling like crap permanently.
The atmosphere surrounding the question: a sense of honour and satisfaction at the resolution of an important matter. triumph after great struggle. Jubilation at the hearing of good news. the realisation of hopes and desires.
Well, that is mighty positive and just fine by me, so why can't I believe anything good could possibly come to us? Ah, I recall the days of ttc naturally and feeling such hope that the monthly visitor would get lost.
The one thing that gives me great strength is our surrogate, Mrs C, the one I am a bit scared of because she is so straight-forward, is her getting annoyed at me at transfer and saying "Ah, it will all be okay".
Posted by Phoenix at 10:29 AM