Monday, March 2, 2009

Reflection



By popular demand the blog is back. It seems I do have a fan club and many of you find my blatantly honest writing humorous and thought-provoking. I received quite a few emails from people I didn't even know were reading my blog so I decided one rotten apple shouldn't spoil the whole crop. Many of you expressed liking my blog because I said things you'd all thought and a bunch of you related. Cool. It seems I am not such a schmuck. 

We're doing well. The grief and depression have passed, and we're back to being our normal "not normal"  selves.  While I am not online blogging, I write several times a day, just to get things out of my presently fearful and confused mind. For every post there is a post I don't publish. Maybe one day all this will be published in a book, edited with the wisdom of hindsight. I will say, yet again, this blog is a combination of my thoughts and feelings and our journey. It is a small window into what we experience during this strange, exciting, thought-provoking, and sometimes downright disappointing journey called surrogacy in India.

We are two days off learning whether our results are positive, or negative. Last night my stomach was doing those flip-flop movements, and it wasn't because of the "toilet' problem I am again experiencing, on our return from India. I took the butterflies in the tummy feeling to mean I had not lost all hope. Nevertheless, Bob and I are getting clearer with our Plans C, D and E. Plan A, getting pregnant first go is still a possibility. Plan B - FET in coming months - is now off the table. Our potential plan C option, cycling in a foreign country and making embies to fly to India, has been been dismissed as illogical, time and money-consuming when we have Plan D, an Indian egg donor for a cycle in April. We still have concerns about the lack of personality and medical information about Indian EDs, but will discuss these concerns with our clinic if the need arises.

We've also revisited some old chestnuts (adoption not being one of them). Depending on what happens and how we feel, we may well sell up, buy a farm in the country, take in 20 homeless doggies, buy a bunch of ponies and give our love to foster kids. (Okay, that one was my idea ... Bob will never do that.)

No plans can be put into action until we get our results on Thursday. I am glad our surrogate Mrs C needs a month between cycles, so April is the earliest we could try again, giving us time to regroup and regain our strength.

In the meantime we will focus on getting this house extension built. Today I am getting quotes for some built-in cupboards for our bedroom. Space is at a premium in our little house and our cousin Natalia may be coming to live with us in April, so we need to make room for her. I am also going out to look at kitchens in coming weeks, which will be fun as our kitchen is just revolting, and I need to find 77sqm of jarrah floor boards supplied and installed for less than $150 sqm. Yikes, $40 for the materials, $80 for the install and $30 for the builder's overhead. Why does it cost $80 per sqm to install floorboards? A sqm is a very small area, and laying wood on concrete is not exactly rocket science.

Off to have some fun.



13 comments:

Anonymous said...

PHEW I am so so glad your are public blogging.....I just miss you so much when you're not and we've never even met....lol. I will be waiting with bated breath for your results on Thursday. I wish you all the luck and strength you need.

MaryJane

Trea said...

Amani - so glad to see you back in blog land. I have missed your thoughts so much. If anyone deserves for this to work it is you guys - god I want you get a positive!! Cheers Trea

Kerrie and Mark said...

Good to see ya at it. So much going on for you guys...its a snowball effect of emotions. I hope Thursday brings good news for you..I really do. How is Bob holding up?

Mike and Mike said...

Amani,

At some point, you have to take a leap of faith. Mike and I had the same concerns about an Indian ED, but, we had to trust that the clinic knew what they were doing.

Even if you had an ED that had an extensive medical history documented with no medical issues, in the end, it's up to nature. Do what you can do, control as much as you can control. Then take a deep breathe and take the leap. It's the only way you can avoid becoming completely neurotic.

Mike A.

Anonymous said...

Amani
Alice here. The "dickwad" from Cali. I still haven't recovered from that verbal beating but I'll get over it don't you worry. I want to apologise for causing you any distress - that wasn't my intention at all - and I am praying that you get a positive result on Thursday. My posting was merely an attempt to help you see a different side to your thinking. Be that as it may, I will not post on your board again. I know there are lots of readers who love and adore your postings (myself included) so I don't want to jeopardise your continued efforts to educate the public. (Even if your comments can be misconstrued by some as insensitive)
Sending you positive waves of energy and lifting my hands up to G*d to make this miracle happen for you.
Alice

Amani said...

Thanks Mikes.

You're absolutely right.

We're just feeling sore and stung right now and the faith has taken a walk to the corner store. Our first option, even before IVF was adopting siblings from Ethiopia (being the racists that we are). We would have had no medical history of any adopted children and that was of no concern to us. So why is it now? I guess because we have a little bit of control over potential problems and would like to exercise that as much as possible so our kids are happy and healthy. But it is up to nature, and to life.

Kerrie,

Bob's okay. He's pulled out of his slump but needs a bit of a break from the surrogacy roller coaster, as we all do from time to time. He keeps asking me every ten mins how I am, and I'm okay, we're in a really quiet space right now.

And my guts keep churning every time the phone rings, even though we won't have news until Friday.

Amani said...

That is really sweet of you Alice, i appreciate your post.

we have been hurting, your apology erases much of that.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for you and your little miracle(s). It will happen, please never give up hope.

Anonymous said...

Amani
I am so happy you are back on the blog and permitting people to read your true personal emotion and experience. There are so many of us who support you and Bob and feel that we have walked with you through many of the steps.

I am hoping for a positive Thursday and we will be waiting, watching and praying. I love that you are thinking ahead (I would not have expected anything less) in the event that things dont go as planned.

Thinking of you and wishing we were there holding your hand while you wait.

Joy and Tower

Mandy said...

I am so happy to read your blog again. It makes me have hope as well. I am thrilled you have plans C-E and I have none, so i can steal your ideas. I am still in my depressed stages but since i have people like you who can hold my hand and say, "you have options, dont give up" it makes me feel like a big girl...lol..

THANKS FOR BLOGGING and giving us hope as well. GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST, i'm praying for you each day!!!

Anonymous said...

AMANI
ANOTHER ANONYMII READERS HERE FROM PARIS. PLEASE KEEP UP GOOD SPIRIT, WE ARE ALL PRAY FOR YOU THAT THIS WILL END IN GOOD WAY.
MONIQUE & THIERRY T.

1time GS said...

I'm so glad you are leaving your blog public - I've been reading forever (or at least, it feels like it!).

Just wanted to mention that there is way now to turn your blog into a bound-book, when you are ready, of course... :)

Good Luck!!
Thinking Positive vibes for you!!!

Anonymous said...

Amani

Hang in there and please stay positive. You are on your way to motherhood, please believe that! Never give up hope, it will happen for you.

-PM