Friday, June 19, 2009

Change of plans too + good news and horrible news

Our good news: Yesterday, after much behind the scenes work by Myleen, the administrator of the IP support forum where I hang out these days - we got news that our clinic will accept our Amy as our known ED. We are excited and thrilled, and so is Amy. For those that don't know, Amy is our surrogate from the USA whom we had to cancel plans with thanks to the global financial crisis and the lowering of the Aussie dollar (ie. we couldn't afford it). Ames and I have known each other for almost three years now, online and by phone anyway.

An enormous THANK YOU MYLEEN for keeping on pushing on, and fighting for what we know is not illegal, and for Bob and I,  the best for outcome for us and our babies' futures. That woman is truly amazing - she just will not take "no" for an answer if "no" makes no sense. She also knew I had little energy to fight, as I normally do, and she took on my challenge. How's that for a darned good woman, surrogacy IP and wonderful moderator. 

So, the change of plans is due to Amy's cycle, which started the day before we got the got ahead. We had already done the FSH/LH and AMH testing which needs to be done on CD2-3 "just in case". This all happened smoothly and so fast that Bob got told all about it after the event because he was offshore.  So, our dates look like being August 4-8 depending on Amy's cycle.

The dreadful news: there have been so many losses in the Indian surrogacy community these past couple of months. The Indian surrogacy IP community is a pretty small world, and everyone tends to know everyone else, or at least know of them. This past couple of months we've lost a little boy at 25 weeks, Nicholas at 12 weeks, and this week alone, a baby at 19 weeks and today I learned of twins delivered at 24 weeks who also didn't make it. I am so shocked, and sad. Really sad. We love to look at the positives, of which there are many, - and we have to because this journey can be so freaking hard. But when things like this happen, with no apparent reason, when the pregnancies have appeared to be smooth and amnios and karyotyping show no genetic abnormalities, one has to let their mind go blank and just feel the sadness. 

There are no answers. Loss is not something that happens just to our community, it is universal. We're just having a "bad run" right now. We are not protected by the fact that bringing our children into the world through surrogacy in India is so incredibly stressful, not to mention difficult, confusing, frustrating and sometimes down right cruel. We are not cut any slack because it is is tougher to do what we're doing. I wish we were. I wish we all had success on the first try. I wish we all had not only positives, but wish there was no miscarriage, no premmie babies that didn't make it, and no babies that became angels in infancy. I wish there was only goodness and happiness and joy. Most of all, I wish I could do something productive to ease the pain of these parents who have recently lost their babies. I know what it is like, but I don't know what it is like to lose a baby past first trimester, and I am now feeling grateful we lost our boy earlier rather than later, as painful as it was at the time, I think we would have quit if we'd lost him later. I applaud, support and am in awe of the parents who lost their children later than we did, who, despite their heartbreak, are willing to try again.

And now onto my soapbox: to any person who thinks surrogacy is just a simple matter of sending your sperm and money to India to "buy" a baby - go stick a wooly dog up your butt. This is neither a simple nor easy journey to parenthood and if you think it is, your opinion is invalid due to your utter stupidity.

On a lighter note: Humblebee, we read your post about chocolates this morning so Will and I ate chocolate cake with whipped cream from the can for breakfast as a show of solidarity. 


crystal said...

Amani, I'm so happy for you, and you it seems like you have found peace. Afer reading different blogs and hearing about the death of a number of babies, it leaves me truly saddened. I hope that these clinics are not taking advantage of people and giving either poor quality eggs and just telling people that they are good, or giving them surrogates who are not healthy enough to carry, time will tell.

Terry in LA said...

So well said. I am so excited that you guys are off and running again. We are all praying that this is your turn. The losses are painful to the entire community - you are so right.