Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Surrogacy forum wars ... reflections

Who'd want to be on a blog, or a surrogacy forum or on a surrogacy email group right now. These past couple of weeks in the forum world have been just horrible.

I used to love these places. They provided such an amazing source of information, a sense of kinship and such incredible support. We were all on the same team, we all supported each other, we all trusted each other ...  as much as strangers in an online community can trust. And we had to trust. We had to trust the pioneers, those who had been here, done that, had success or had repeated failures, pain and heartbreak, but ultimately success. We had no option but to trust. It was trust or remain childless. And that is not an option for any of us. Yes, there were differences of opinion, but they were minor and swiftly dealt with.

One short year ago there was one public forum - the SI forum - which had around 30 members when I joined in September 2008. I am no longer welcome there, as others who dared to speak up, are no longer welcome.  Fast forward a year, the pioneers have had or are expecting babies. The world of surrogacy in India is all over the media, and surrogacy in India is no longer a strange new world of hope and adventure. It is no longer a secret online society. Surrogacy in India is a billion dollar industry. 

This past week I have sat back, read, watched ... almost vomited at the disgraceful way parents and would-be parents, have attacked other intended parents and soon-to-be-parents on the main surrogacy forum - the Surrogacy India forum - a place I used to love. I am disgusted by the blind faith of Surrogacy India clients, the administrators, and the moderators,  who cannot see that despite their own wonderful surrogacy stories, others have not had such a good time. 

I am disgusted that newbies who rock up and get pregnant first go, and are super-happy, cannot look past their own joy to think of those who have struggled not once, not twice, but several times. Yet they feel it is appropriate to support their clinic blindly, and make the most repulsive comments about IPs who have struggled - calling them ungrateful, cheap, and not deserving of being parents. 

What makes me most sick is the administrator of a public forum who publicly denounced
its own clients, who are the primary moderators of the forum they were abused on, accusing them of being more concerned with media, than the care of their surrogate, their children, and other IPs. Disgusting, unprofessional, unethical and completely inappropriate behaviour, in any country.

Then to turn around and delete the original abusive post, and start another thread admonishing support group members that "it is a support forum" and "let's all be happy" .. when the instigator of the public distress was the forum administrator and clinic owner ... in his own words:

support each other and lets not argue about every comment that is posted. 
Just focus on the positives and you will get what you wish. 
If you have any problems with the clinic, please speak directly to your clinic / Doctor. 

Before any one raises fingers at any Doctor / Clinic / protocol, please remember they are your treating specialists. respect them. Just think once, if you would like to be at the receiving end? Please put your comments with absolute discretion and correctness and ensuring that you avoid generalization in your judgment. 

So yes, we all have to respect the treating doctors, of course they are very hurt if they are at the receiving end of poor comments by clients. 

But what happens when we are at the receiving end of the treating doctors? Where is our respect? What about our hurt? Where is our proof that money we paid for certain surrogacy treatments has been provided? Forget that.

Finally: they get the very last say.

Its a support forum and we need to smile together.  We do not expect any comments on this note and thus we are keeping this post locked.

Have a very happy day, smile lots, sink your funds into surrogacy, but it's all okay.

Thanks for coming, but we are in control and you have no right of reply.


crystal said...

I love the picture, and that about sums it up. No one should go into this blindly, or trusting any clinic 100% when it is about the money. People should not let themselves be lulled into a false sense of security, becuase when the curtain falls, you will find yourself alone.

Sarah @ When two becomes three... said...

It's funny. There has always been conflict on the forums whether they are Canadian or American or what have you. I think that it's just such an emotionally charged situation. Some people just choose to overlook things, believe what they want or just trust their own guts. Whether it's wrong or right is irrelevant. But I have never understood the mudslinging.

I am always here if you need some encouragement Am.

Rebecca said...

I love the graphic and that about sums it up for me too!!

SwitzerTwins said...

Amani, I have to agree with you. That's why we have our forums on our website. I won't allow any of that crap from anyone. You guys are free to use it all you want.
Have at it and I can give those you would use it wisely the admin rights. Hope to see ya'll there!

SwitzerTwins said...

Meant to add, that if you register, you see more forum topics and we can always add more! :)