Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Finally . . . some dates!


Patience is a virtue. And one I have not mastered, though I try.

Our donor started her cycle today. Our doctor does a down regulation protocol, so our donor will start meds on 21st September. EPU/transfer will be approximately five weeks from 21st September, so the first week in November. 

That seems so far away!!!

I could have chosen a donor who was ready sooner, and the impatient part of me keeps on saying: "You bloody idiot, you could have put yourself out of your misery much sooner". But we left it up to our doctor to choose the best donor she has. We don't even have a photo of her!

Yes, Amani has decided to be patient and to trust and not intellectualize the process. Let go and let it happen is my new mantra. That is SO VERY difficult for me as other control freaks will appreciate.

My birthday is on November 4, I turn 43. That seems so darned old. At times I think I am too old for this mothering caper, but would support and encourage anyone older than me to become mothers in flash. Odd. 

So, I have been at this surrogacy thing for nearly three years, and surrogacy in India for a year. What a journey thus far. Three trips to India with so many twists and turns, delays, excitement, devastation, and $55,000 spent. (Gulp)

My grand plan last year was to have a baby by the time I turned 43. Well, unless one drops from a stork's bill out of the sky, that's not going to happen. So the plan now is to have a baby by the time I turn 44. 

It feels so very old. Each day I wake without my children is another day I live without them. I sometimes think of 24 year old mothers and lament that they get an extra 20 years with their children. But do they? Nothing is guaranteed. there is no guarantee we will live long lives, or even that our children will, or even that we will wake up tomorrow and stay alive for a whole day.

I am really appreciating living in the present right now. Life is precious, though it can  be fragile. I have so much in my life to be grateful for: my loving husband, my gorgeous Willo, my friends, my online friends, a good steady income, my parents, Bob's parents ... and my big fat Amber-dog. Oh, and the black and white kitties that I love, but who annoy the crap out of me.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Bah-humbug ... I want my babies and I want them NOW!!!!










11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Bob and Amani

That's great news that you have approximate dates! I have been stalking your blog daily for an update. I have my fingers crossed tightly for you guys that you will have no obstacles in your way this time. I am sure this time around is going to be smooth sailing.

Sharlene

Amani said...

Thanks Sharlene,

We don't have a lot to report at present because all is smooth, and we are in waiting mode. Wait, wait, wait.

We'll get there ....

Anonymous said...

Hi Amani
I am delighted to hear your good news re dates!!! Fingers and toes crossed that this will be THE ONE!!!! Thinking of you, Karen

Sarah @ When two becomes three... said...

Hi Am.

I loved this post from you. I have followed your journey for a year, you have worn it all on your sleeve but somehow, I think that this time is going to be different. Keep on keepin on lady.

You share the same birthday as Brad. When I look to my future and when I am 43, I think that if it all presented over again, we won the lottery and we were in that place, I would do it again. I am 31, my Mom is 67. She acts like she is many decades younger. It's all in the attitude lady and shit - you've got lots of that spunk.

Hugs and GOOD LUCK! I'm cheering you on.

Stephaniekb said...

Speaking as a soon-to-be 45-year-old new mother, I totally understand your fears and frustrations at starting the motherhood thing late. But there are lots of positive things about being a mom later in life: increased self-confidence and trust in your decisions, less need to conform to anyone else's rules, more grounded in what's important, solid understanding of who you are. It'll be good whenever it happens, Am. You can't kick yourself over things you didn't do at age 24 -- what you did then was right for you at the time. Just thank goodness for the invention of hair color and Retin A, so no one has to immediately know your age right away!

Mandy said...

I totally agree Amani, but you said it best in your wonderful post.

astrocat88 said...

Hi, Amani.

Do you have any feed-back on the "nature" of the "hurdle". We are going to use Indian donor eggs but my DH has low sperm count due to birth defect and I am kinda worried that these won't do the job although they have before though the eggs didn't take due to poor quality (chromo defects). I do have a friend that I've been in touch with since April who does not have a Uterus (had to have it removed due to an aggressive cancer along with her 7-mo. baby who didn't survive) and has just reported twins from the Rotunda! They did stimulation in their home country and the Rotunda was not satisfied so they made them come to Mumbai for a 2nd stimulation. Resulted in finally 3 good eggs, twins! (not identical and 6 weeks along)! There is HOPE! And, many thanks to India, there really is hope for people who go via India because the USA is too expensive for the average couple with serious infertility problems. Astrocat.

Jon said...

You'll make a great mother at ANY AGE! Now stop whining young lady and focus your energy on positive stuff like nursery colors!

>smooches<

crystal said...

Amani,

Shut the HELL up!!! I'm 47, so you are a baby. If I have the energy, you certainly do....I went into Mark's room today, to find him standing in his crib and waving at me, I'm in trouble!

Jackie said...

Sounds like things are moving along nicely! Your patience and dedication will pay off...soon!

Hell, you have a lot more energy than most 30 year olds I know!

Stop fretting! You'll do great!

xxxx

Amani said...

Astrocat, I have some info for you. Email me at bellydancing@optusnet.com.au

I'll let you know what I discovered about the "hurdle". It might be of use.