Sunday, November 29, 2009

7 weeks tomorrow, so many thoughts

It has been some time since I've been able to write about my feelings as an intended mother, and how I actually feel about what is going on. We've had a lovely day today - Sunday. A lovely sunny day in Perth. Things were very peaceful, which is such a change from what has really been going on behind the scenes these past few months.

We write this blog for intended parents, and for our friends and family, and for Indian surrogacy people and anyone who cares enough to follow our journey - even though you may be strangers. The main purpose of this blog is to keep a record of our journey. If you read now, and get something from this, great, but we will not always be in touch. I hope we can be, but that's not is real life. People enter into surrogacy of any form, become great mates, have babies, and move on. That's life. We all move on.

I think we are up to more than 400 posts now. We started the blog in August 2008 ... when we were going to US for surrogacy. Crap, how did our journey to become parents get so difficult? I know a bunch of you say we are strong and we have persevered through all adversity. Yeah, maybe we have. Our road has been revolting. But at the end of the day we are very fortunate. We have the money to do this, and we have the will and fortitude to do this, and we will never stop trying.

This time last year we were with our old clinic in Mumbai, and with our old ED agency. Everything was about to happen, and then the Mumbai terror attacks happened. I've seen this on the news this past week, and it is just as horrifying now as it was 12 months ago. From a selfish point of view, it screwed our plans to cycle in Dec 2008. But hey, we are all alive 12 months later, more than 170 people aren't.

February 2009
We were part of the first crew of IPs to go to Mumbai with EDs from South Africa. Surrogacy India was the very first clinic to offer caucasian and other race EDs to surrogacy IPs. Our then agency Nurture were brave enough to go ahead and do this. In February 2009, six very brave and gorgeous donors from Nurture in SA went to Mumbai - and why? To help us become parents. I am still amazed.

The results.
It was not great. From that first cycle of six IPs with young SA donors, we have one baby born. One beautiful little bubba born 9 months later. There have been successes with subsequent frozen embryos transfers, but also several FETs per couple, with no result. There have been tears and grief, friendships made, some survived some didn't. But we all moved on.

We got pregnant edspite all odds. We had a young ED, with perfect results on her tests. She cycled well. But, there are no guarantees. We had 8 eggs retrieved, we had 6 fertilise, we transferred three. We had no eggs left for FET. We were devastated. $14,500 AUD down the drain. And no-one to blame.

We still don't know the reason why, but we were told our donor had fertility problems. She would not longer be a donor. Okay, fine,. $14,500 spent, doctors paid, agency paid, and we were left with nothing but a big bill and a lot of heartache. Again, no-one to blame. But we did get pregnant.

Our little one lasted a whole 11.5 weeks. We hung onto all hope. We had exceptionally poor communication from the agency Surrogacy India. We did not get reports or results or updates, and the time was extremely stressful. We were actually lied to. We lost out little one at 11.5 weeks. To this day we have no answers, to this day we have no results, and to this day I have to say I am still angry about the way we were treated. But what does one do? I complained loudly and was abused ... but things have changed and now SI appears to be doing better.

Our new doc
We are seven weeks tomorrow. We have one bubble that looks good, we have another one that appears to be doing well, despite all odds. We are hopeful. We have no more results for another week. I love the fact I get a phone call immediately after a scan is done. Not just me, but the clients who I case manage, and those that I don't, but who know me, are never left in the dark. then suddenly - we all get the email results. Within 48 hours.

I want results.
I want a scan every day. I want to know our bubbles are safe, and growing and doing all they should be doing. I want information our about our SMs. I want photos, I want everything to make be as close to our blobby-bubbles as I can be.. But my requests are ridiculous. Even if I were carrying our babes, in my body, in Australia, I would never get these results. In fact, I would get less results. So we wait.

And how are me and Bob doing?
Good now. We are good.

Bob goes away on that stupid ship again on Tuesday. Crap that, but it is only for a week. I have more than enough to keep me occupied while he is gone. He will phone me every night. time will pass, and when he comes back we will be eight weeks.

So how am I?
I hate it when my husband goes on that boat. This time it is only for a week. But he is still away. I will be okay. But we have our little blobs. Two little blobs we can't do anything about. Two little ones we love already, but who are not in my body. Whom we have to trust in the care of our SMs R and S. I know our blobs are both fine. I trust our doc 1000 per cent. I hate the fact I can't get close to these amazing women who are dong so much for us, that I can't be in Delhi, to be close to them, that I can't do anything.

Mummy and daddy are so very far away.


Kerrie and Mark said...

You story is an amazing one for sure!! Two blobs and a load of hope and prayers.

Sarah @ When two becomes three... said...

What a post. You have been through a lot and are made of tough stuff.
I know that feeling that you are feeling. The helplessness and how far off the finish line may seem. My wish for you is for time to speed by. Looking at you from the other side, I know it won't be long until you are here too. Hugs and hang in.

jojo said...

amani and bob's blobs. it's got a nice ring to it. haha.


sarahandleif said...

just want to say u are both amazing. I have known i was infertile since I was 17. i was diagnosed with pcos and told it was unlikly id ever have children. life was so unfair my sister was the oposite. fell pregnant at 17 the night she lost her virginity and had 3 other children the very nights she wanted to concieve them. yet here i was/am now 33 still wanting my very own first baby. only now i also have endometrosis. i have been preg twice but miscarried before even knowing i was preg. (found out via gyno exams both times) I admire u so much for what u have been through and im excited for you both and your blobs. I love my 4 step kids as if they were my own but i would love to know how pregnancy feels, to hear a child call me mummy. 12 months ago I had resigned myself to being a stepmum. the past 3 months after finding your blog has inspired me to try again and never give up hope. We dont have the money to try surrogacy or numerous ivf treatments but I will go back to the dr for more investigation and keep loosing more weight.

with you on your journy
love and god bless Sarah and Leif

Terry & Steve said...

I love you to death - you know that...and I loved this post - such a peaceful calm!

Thanks for being so full of energy, honesty and candor, but thank you most for always being available when I need a 'live' person who 'gets it'.

xxx T

Mandy said...

I love your post. It gives us all such hope from a woman with determination to have a family. Thats why many of us keep going cause of stories like yours.


Kisses to the 2 blobs and hoping and praying for them as well.

Karen said...

Hi Meg- to read your story is overwhelming - you have been through so much. My deepest hope is that all goes well this time!!! You have been such an invaluable help to me in our pursuit of surrogacy I cannot even begin to thank you. I am thinking of you and praying for those two little blobs!!!K XX

Bob said...

Make sure Amber and your cousin's rottweiller play nicely. Say hello to David for me when he gets in this morning. Love you! PS My flight has been delayed until 8:30am. I could still be in bed now.

paragon2pieces said...

fingers crossed that the stars are aligning for you. the new format is beautiful!

Edward said...

I love your new blob-blog colors. :-)
Continued good wishes for noneventful updates of goodness! xo

Eskimo said...

big hugs to you! thinking of you often.
xo from oslo.