Thursday, December 31, 2009

We're back! In black ...

My dad at 31, me aged four and my sister Linda aged six. Tasmania 1970.

Whoot. Home at last! What a trip. Ten days were too many, yet not enough. My parents live in Brisbane, which is on the east coast of Australia. I moved from Brisvegas in 2005 to Perth to leave the old behind and start a new life with Bob and his boys.

Fast forward four years. Life has changed so very much. My mum and dad are really good. They are 71 and 73. My dad had a triple by-pass in April this year, as readers may remember. That was a huge shock for us all, and we all flew to Brisbane to be with him. Come October, he was back in hospital with stomach cancer. I didn't blog that because we lived in trauma for all of October. Even I will keep some things private. My beloved father has been through so much this year, and so has his family. We have all been incredibly worried, and stressed and fearful. But dad is doing really well.

When I arrived and saw dad, I could not control the tears, and they flowed and my heart broke. My dad is so old and frail. He has no muscle mass, he limps, he looks old and he walks old. He is so weak from what he has been through this year, first a triple bypass, and then removal of his stomach. And yet, we are so darned fortunate that dad had his heart done first, because had they detected the cancer first and not his clogged arteries, he never would have survived his cancer op. We are such a lucky family in that dad had the best of medical care, and the fact he is still with is a complete miracle.

Dad couldn't get up from his chair to greet us at the front door of our family home. I ran to him, but I had to hide my tears. I hugged and kissed him and told him how much I love him, then fled outside and burst into tears. I cried and I cried, and I was a bit of mess and kinda inconsolable, but I had my brother and my mum and Bob there to wipe the tears. I cried tears of grief because he has endured so much, I cried tears of grief because he is well, and cried more tears of grief because he was more concerned about my crying than himself. I guess I am still daddy's little girl. I am and that will never change.

Medically, dad is fantastic. There is no cancer, no cancer in his lymph nodes, all 90 of them that were removed. He has no cancer anywhere, and no need for chemotherapy or radiation. He no longer has a stomach, and he has to eat in very small portions several times a day. He can still enjoy his food, but he never feels hungry, and for the rest of this life it will be a constant battle for him, mum and his docs to keep weight on him.

Old age sucks, it really does. We will all eventually get there, and have to face the vicissitudes of time, but I am not ready!!! I am not ready for my parents to be old, nor to be frail, nor to be facing death ... I want so desperately to be close to my parents in Brisbane, but I can't move there. I can't because I live in Perth in my new life. We have Bob's family here, we have a half-finished house here, our income comes from Bob's job which is in Perth, and most importantly we have little 11 year-old William here. he is Bob's son, and he is from a divorced family. He loves us, and he loved his mum, and his brothers from his mum's side of the family. If we were to leave, we would be leaving little Willo.

I feel so very torn, between the old and the new.

To all a Happy New Year. Don't make any New Years resolutions, just go forth and multiply. Looking forward to many babies being born and couples like me and Bob, who have tried it all, and done or best, and will have success through surrogacy in India.

Love to all. xxx

My dad was the Tasmanian shot put champion. He has always be a six feet two solid lump of muscle, ready to undertake any physical thing presented, and ready to face any foe to protect his family. He could take out a team of robbers in one foul swoop. Now that has changed, my dad is frail and old and we may not have him for much longer. My grief is now focussed on my dad and mum and me and my brother and sister and my niece. Forget the frief on losing all the bubs we have, our bubs are simply a hope and promise of new life, and while it hurts like hell to lose them, I want and need my dad to stay with us.

So... the good and uplifting news ...

Blobby bubble one is fine. We are 12 weeks on Monday. Our SM Rani is getting over her nausea. It has been really bad for her, but she is now settling. Rani is one of two pregnant SMs who are staying at home, as they live near Dr S and Phoenix Hospital. There are ten pregnancy SMs at the surrogacy apartments. I have gift for Rani, a gift Dr Shivani has advised I don't send until after bub is born, but I will send it anyway, as I am so grateful and so wanting to let her know I think of her every single day of my life!!!

Second cycle
I wrote some time ago we would cycle again with our SM S as she miscarried our Blob 2. No-one's fault, just one of those pregnancies that don't stick. The news is: we cycle at the end of January with a new donor and SM S. We may well have another bubble or two on the way at the end of January. This means that if we do, we will have baby pickup in June, then again on November. If this happens, we will need a crap load of support. But we are ready for it. A couple of dear surrogacy friends who are now parents after their own long struggles emailed me to warn against cycling again so soon, and I did hear you and listen o you, but we had to secure our SM S who I feel very close to, and also secure our donor. At the end of the day, it kinda crept up on us, and we are okay. And I will not apologise for this, but we are able to hire help in the form of cleaners, and nannies and secretaries who can take over some of the work that Bob and I do.

My dad ... lecturing William about ....? Goodness knows what.


jojo said...

Happy New Year, Lady love. Your dad is really somethin.


Bob said...

2010 is our year, baby!

Oddity Acres Clan said...

Haapy New Year to you all. Much love to everyone.

Moved again!! Back to Vic.
Will be looking forward to more and more positive and happy updates.

P.S. Your Dad is an "Old School" trooper. He is a legend.