Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Getting to know you

Toby, Toby, Toby, our lives revolve around Toby. Motherhood is wonderful. I will admit to being shut off from the pregnancy, in self-protection mode, so it was difficult to re-engage when I came to realise this was "really happening'. My mother-in-law had counselled me that I may not feel the gushes of overwhelming love often spoken about by new mothers, and that it may actually take some time to get to know baby and I may not even feel love for some time. I was fully prepared for meeting this strange new creature who would turn our lives upside down, in ways I may not always welcome.

I consider myself lucky to feel the overwhelming gush of love as evident in the video taken immediately after Toby's birth. Then he was whisked away and for three days we continued our lives outside Phoenix Hospital and Toby was, again, a dream and not a reality for me. Again, I felt distanced and unemotional, the initial all-pervasive love I felt almost became a memory; I could recall it in my mind, but I desperately wanted to hang onto that intensely surreal and utterly Divine earth-shattering moment.

The first night we had Toby home, I knew I loved him, but I couldn't feel it. This was what my mother-in-law had warned me about, and I wasn't too hard on myself, but I did think, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I had a brand new baby home , yet I seemed to be going through the motions, rather than devotedly attending to his every need with love oozing from each and every pore in my body. The first few days days Bob was over the proverbial moon, but I hung back, and I watched, intrigued, but still cut off from my emotions. Then the not-quite-right chicken incident occurred, and the excitement of the past week and Toby's birth, plus little sleep caught up with my body and heart and I sat on the couch and bawled, "I am a bad mummy. I don't like being a mummy!" What was wrong with me?!!! Had I achieved my goal and it was all over and I was ready to discover new heights off which to base jump?

So much has changed in seven short days. I am besotted. Every day I feel closer and closer to this little guy. He delights, me calms me, he plays music on the once-dormant violin of my heart. He makes me laugh. He pulls the funniest little faces, he meows like a kitten and he screams like a banshee. Sometimes, when he is deep asleep in my arms, I poke him to make sure he is still breathing.

We had a night nurse for two nights and we've caught up on sleep. I was surprised to find the first night the nurse came that I wanted her to go away; I wanted my baby back. I didn't like being separated from him; not even by one room. I love this little guy. I adore him, I want to be with him always. I cannot imagine my life without him. I understand a mother's love. At long last.

Some Toby facts:

He gave his first smile yesterday, accompanied by a protracted encore from the wind section of the Delhi Philharmonic Orchestra. Ahhh : ))

He eats, and eats and eats. We have renamed him Hoover.

He gets drunk on milk.

When hungry milk is liquid valium. When full it is deadly poison, and he will not let it pass his gummy fortress.

He loves walkies in daddy's arms.

He prays with the soles of his feet.

Mummy's singing is enough to make him pass out.

When sleeping his hands say, "Yo, old folk, wazzup"?

His umblilical stump has taken leave of his belly. (What does one do with a dried up umbilicus?)
Some new parent facts:
Daddy has called him Amber and William - ooh, ahh.
Mummy gets scared when he screams for too long and hands him to daddy.
Daddy thinks Toby is more advanced than any baby ever born. He is almost ready for calculus.
Mummy caught daddy teaching Toby how to crawl.
Daddy caught mummy singing Toby the octave from Middle C. (He may have flat feet, but he has long fingers : ))
Mummy abhors tattoos on women, but has a sudden urge to have Toby Jai inked on her body.
We may have plans for this boy, but already realise Toby has his own strong will and we may be in for a struggle if we try to live vicariously through his life.

"You want me to do whaaaa?"


Stephaniekb said...

He is so darling!!! Your emotional roller coaster makes perfect sense, especially if you throw Delhi belly into the picture. Get ready for more emotions and stress as you go through the embassy process. Toby is so beautiful; I hope you get home to your family and new home quickly. Keep those photos coming!

.jon said...

Sweetie D:
Some parenting wisdom for you, when changing nappies with little boys, hoo-hoo should point south or your hair will get a golden spritz! 8-)
Glad to hear you are enjoying motherhood. Just think 12 months from now the little tyke will be mobile. Time goes by very quickly....

Oanh said...

Toby is so cute! I always love your refreshing honesty. :-)

Edward said...

One journey begets a whole new one!
Yours was a long and twisty road to get to this chapter. As you adjust to being a Mum, you'll fall more and more head over heals in love with that little man every day! Let your heart guide you and you'll all find the way together as a new, bigger family....in the meantime, a tattoo seems very appropriate!

coco said...

toby is so beautiful. what a joy. he reminds me of my julia when she was born. i remember having a dose of those feelings and then while holding her in my arms one day when she was only 2 days old i looked at her and began to cry as i realized how much loved her. wait until he gets a few months older and starts to look at you with soooo much love. it's like nothing in the world. hold him, kiss him, he's your guy. everything will fall into place. it will be alright

jojo said...

I'm back!!! And totally head over heels with your gorgeous little man. He is so beautiful!

Your list of fun facts reads like a love poem :)

More! I want more!


ps - wv was 'popers'. lol.

Oddity Acres Clan said...

You are doing everything right and at your own pace.

Youre an AWESOME Mummy!! xoxoxoxo

Oh and yes, take what Jon said as a universal truth.. ALWAYS have a folded hand towel with you when changing Toby. Otherwise you might get a tad wet.

I forgot all about it one day when Kota was 2 weeks old and KAPOW right in the face.

Bob said...

I copped an eyeful of piddle this morning!

crystal said...

What you wrote brought back a lot of memories. I felt the same way when Mark was born. For all of those years that we were alone, I sometimes forgot that he was there especially if he was sleeping soundly.

Johnny and Darren said...

He truly is a beautiful little boy and you both must be so proud of him. Your newborn shots make me warm from head to toe!