Meg and Bob welcomed to our lives and hearts Tobias Jai, born 29 June 2010, New Delhi India. On 25 June, 2012 our daughter Mishali was born - we are doubly blessed. Our eternal gratitude to our surrogates Rani and Mrs M. We had tried with two international donors, and two clinics before achieving success with the birth of our son Toby in 2010.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Getting to know you
Toby, Toby, Toby, our lives revolve around Toby. Motherhood is wonderful. I will admit to being shut off from the pregnancy, in self-protection mode, so it was difficult to re-engage when I came to realise this was "really happening'. My mother-in-law had counselled me that I may not feel the gushes of overwhelming love often spoken about by new mothers, and that it may actually take some time to get to know baby and I may not even feel love for some time. I was fully prepared for meeting this strange new creature who would turn our lives upside down, in ways I may not always welcome.
I consider myself lucky to feel the overwhelming gush of love as evident in the video taken immediately after Toby's birth. Then he was whisked away and for three days we continued our lives outside Phoenix Hospital and Toby was, again, a dream and not a reality for me. Again, I felt distanced and unemotional, the initial all-pervasive love I felt almost became a memory; I could recall it in my mind, but I desperately wanted to hang onto that intensely surreal and utterly Divine earth-shattering moment.
The first night we had Toby home, I knew I loved him, but I couldn't feel it. This was what my mother-in-law had warned me about, and I wasn't too hard on myself, but I did think, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I had a brand new baby home , yet I seemed to be going through the motions, rather than devotedly attending to his every need with love oozing from each and every pore in my body. The first few days days Bob was over the proverbial moon, but I hung back, and I watched, intrigued, but still cut off from my emotions. Then the not-quite-right chicken incident occurred, and the excitement of the past week and Toby's birth, plus little sleep caught up with my body and heart and I sat on the couch and bawled, "I am a bad mummy. I don't like being a mummy!" What was wrong with me?!!! Had I achieved my goal and it was all over and I was ready to discover new heights off which to base jump?
So much has changed in seven short days. I am besotted. Every day I feel closer and closer to this little guy. He delights, me calms me, he plays music on the once-dormant violin of my heart. He makes me laugh. He pulls the funniest little faces, he meows like a kitten and he screams like a banshee. Sometimes, when he is deep asleep in my arms, I poke him to make sure he is still breathing.
We had a night nurse for two nights and we've caught up on sleep. I was surprised to find the first night the nurse came that I wanted her to go away; I wanted my baby back. I didn't like being separated from him; not even by one room. I love this little guy. I adore him, I want to be with him always. I cannot imagine my life without him. I understand a mother's love. At long last.
Some Toby facts:
He gave his first smile yesterday, accompanied by a protracted encore from the wind section of the Delhi Philharmonic Orchestra. Ahhh : ))
He eats, and eats and eats. We have renamed him Hoover.
He gets drunk on milk.
When hungry milk is liquid valium. When full it is deadly poison, and he will not let it pass his gummy fortress.
He loves walkies in daddy's arms.
He prays with the soles of his feet.
Mummy's singing is enough to make him pass out.
When sleeping his hands say, "Yo, old folk, wazzup"?
His umblilical stump has taken leave of his belly. (What does one do with a dried up umbilicus?)
Some new parent facts:
Daddy has called him Amber and William - ooh, ahh.
Mummy gets scared when he screams for too long and hands him to daddy.
Daddy thinks Toby is more advanced than any baby ever born. He is almost ready for calculus.
Mummy caught daddy teaching Toby how to crawl.
Daddy caught mummy singing Toby the octave from Middle C. (He may have flat feet, but he has long fingers : ))
Mummy abhors tattoos on women, but has a sudden urge to have Toby Jai inked on her body.
We may have plans for this boy, but already realise Toby has his own strong will and we may be in for a struggle if we try to live vicariously through his life.